Butterflies

I am getting nervous about giving my speech at my high school reunion. I am not sure that I actually have something interesting to talk about. I first wrote my speech in bullet points. I attempted to rehearse in front of T, but that just made me laugh. So, I turned my back to him and enlightened the cats. T yawned excessively loudly three times, which really pissed me off. I mean, I think you can yawn without making noise! We had a little tiff over that. He said I was over-reacting. I said he shouldn't yawn so loud.

I decided to go ahead and write the speech out, but not read it word for word. I think the theme is OK. I talk about how the meaning of "home" means different things for different people, and how its meaning has changed for me over the years.

I just second guess myself a lot. I worry people will think I am talking about myself too much. It might be surprising, but I am not a huge fan of public speaking. I don't mind talking to a camera, but, an audience of prying eyes makes me uneasy. I usually feel comfortable a few minutes in. I think a drink or two this weekend will speed up the process.

I am forever curious why I choose jobs that put me in front of people, even though it's not a place I love to be. On air and in front of an aerobics class, I have people watching me. Am I a masochist? Do I really just crave attention? Am I just trying to prove something?

I am been shy since I was a little girl. I would put my chin down to my chest and ignore adults when they spoke to me. I wasn't allowed early admission to Kindergarten, because I was just too shy. My parents must have been shocked when I announced my career plans.

I always think challenging myself to take public speaking opportunities will make me better and eventually my nerves will dissipate. It hasn't happened yet.

My good friend emailed me and said she had been asked to introduce me this weekend. That adds to my stress. I just don't want people to expect a lot. I just have a constant low self-esteem versus big ego battle. Am I alone in this?

--MM